This was the most intense BDSM experience I have ever had. Strangely I only realise this in hindsight. I meet my slave for one to one play as often as we can manage to fit it in around busy lives and the various scene events we both like to attend. Usually these sessions are not unlike the sort of session a pro domme might have with a client, except that I feel free to experiment and that we know each other well and can have bits of intimacy that would not be appropriate in a professional context.
Last week we had the opportunity to book a filming suite for four hours so I immediately thought role play. The suite did not have much in the way of play equipment but an office, a school room and a bed. It was, therefore, eminently suitable for what I had in mind.
I enjoy roleplays not least because they locate the play in the heads of the participants and are a challenge to my imagination. I do not have a lot of the practical skills with rope and so in that many dom/mes have, but I do have a rich, lively and sadistic imagination. I also have a rich fantasy life, much if it dark and about which I am generally reluctant to talk. In this sense the scenario that I chose was an act of trust in my sub. For me acting out the scene was as much an act of self revelation as were his reactions to what I did to him. And as he absorbed himself in his role and get deeper and deeper into the dark places I had prepared, he drew out my sadistic impulses and I turned up the pain to levels he had not previously experienced with me and which, I think, he was only able to endure because he was so deeply in role.
At the end of the session he was shaking and crying. For him the experience had been terrifying real and as he put it to me his mind was “totally fucked.” I was in a different place too and have spent quite a bit of time reflecting on the feelings and urges the scene unleashed in me. I came face to face with a part of myself that I do not always like to think about. And I find myself thinking whether the boundary between consensual non-consent and non-consent is as firm as I would like it to be.
And I have learned too about the power of role play and specifically the power it gives me. I need to learn how to use this better. The scene was never out of control and the safety of my sub never in question but it is only over the last few days that I have understood the emotional power of the forces I was unleashing. I will drop my sub again into a dark abyss or two in our role play but I have to be damn sure I can bring him back.